Written by Miaisha Peoples, 5/17/2016
Well it’s been two months since I last published a blog or a vlog for that matter. Why you may ask did I not have the material? Had I run out of ideas? Had I got a second job? Alot of people have been asking me what happened? Well the short answer is life happened. And it happened very much and very fast. So fast that I had time for everything but time for nothing and most importantly to note, I had zero time for me.
I’ve personally always been the type of person who loves to be busy and to have something on my plate at all times. If you know me, you know I am a social butterfly and an extrovert which means in spite of my low level of social anxiety I thrive in environments where I can be around and with people. I am very unfamiliar with the term rest, well real wiggle your toes and embrace doing nothing rest that is. This is nothing new for me if I’m honest. But my mind and body and the way it handles all of this is very different than it was for college aged me. I’ll take it back to the Winter of 2007 at Eastern Michigan University which was a busy bustling time for me. During this term, I had a full course load at 17-18 credits with Dean’s List status ( May have been more can’t remember), was in a relationship, was preparing for the Miss Black and Gold pageant which I won :-), working part-time at Victoria’s Secret, seeking to learn more about my current sorority at the time, holding & defending the title as one of the best billiards players at EMU and did I mention I was still able to make time to visit and party with my friends on a weekly basis. I thought I was doing an excellent job at juggling it all and then it happened and it happened hard. I started having extreme chest pains and lots of fatigue to the point where I couldn’t survive without an energy drink. But being the person I am I just continued pressing on and pressing on. Until I ended up in the hospital due to stress related symptoms that brought about physical difficulties and with the doctor telling me to rest and to take it extremely easy. Of course I didn’t I was right back at rehearsals the night the doctor released me. Looking back I have mixed feelings about pushing through and ignoring what my body was telling me because I was able to come out victorious even through all of the pain so I thought this was my normal to push and push and make it happen by any means necessary.
Fast forward to present day and how this story comes into play in regards to how my busy bubble got busted. Within the past 6 months I have been so overwhelmed and I’ve thought it was normal until today. I’ve struggled with fatigue yet having trouble sleeping, anxiety and overthinking more than usual, and eating my stress just to name a few. In the past 6 months, I’ve balanced and I thought I was balancing well the following:
- Purchasing a new home and maintaining the new household
- Getting back in the gym on a consistent basis
- Taking marriage classes
- Preparing for marriage & learning to consult God on how to be a good future wife
- Planning and executing my own wedding
- the emotional strain of what’s going on in my hometown Flint
- traveling to Flint to see my family
- Building new relationships with new family
- Acquiring a new job that has a lot more demands than my previous position
- Normal chores and budgeting tasks
- Supporting my friends at their events and with other life tasks as well
- Keeping up with my friends and family
- My car and all it’s issues
- Trying to learn how to keep up my own beauty regime( hair & nails which I struggle with lol) to save money for the wedding
- Maintaining a real and healthy relationship with my fiance
- Trying to attend church with more regularity
But in doing all these things I did none of them well. What I did do well was fail myself and boy did I do a good job at that. I failed to take care of me, I failed to take care of numero uno and that is bad really bad. My car broke down again for about the 6th time within a 2 month span. I wanted to cry I wanted to shout, but I pushed through each time and continued to run myself and my car ragged. Then today when it stopped it seemed like everything was going wrong and it was. I couldn’t find anything not even my ID to rent a car to get around in for the next few days. It didn’t hit me until someone else said, within the past month you’ve lost …… all these things maybe you have too many coals in the fire. And I really do, as much as I want to pretend to be superwoman I’m not and I can’t be anymore. I can’t save everyone else I can’t live everyone else I’ve got to be my own hero and save myself. I can’t feel bad that I have to say no to everyone for a while to say yes to me. I can’t be everything to everyone and be nothing to me its not fair to me.
Life has hit me hard so many times and I’ve bounced back up so quickly without giving myself time to really heal. With this wedding coming up in 4 months, I have to really give myself a break and also learn to ask for help which is so hard to do for someone like me because I hate bothering people or feeling like a burden. I am also somewhat of a control freak so I struggle with wanting things exact and only my way at times. Planning a wedding has taught me a lot about my strengths as well as my extremely high level of creativity, but at times I wish I would have just contracted a planner lol because it gets hectic. Shoot I may even want to do event planning and help people harness their creativity and other skills when all this is over, again if I have the time. Learning a new position at work and all it entails while juggling this all in a brand new department has been a feat as well. Coming in at such a crazy time in the semester and learning so much information in such big doses means at least 40 hours of my week are mentally consuming and I love students and helping them which can be emotional tolling. Even so I still love it and still wouldn’t trade it for the world. Homeownership is a blessing, but I’d be lying if I said it was all HGTV and roses. It takes time and love to really make a house a home inside as well as outside appearance and I can’t tell you how many times the orange and white doors of Home Depot have called me and my fiance inside. It’s crazy to think I almost added graduate school to the mix this spring but something told me not to lol! Glad my sometimes stubborn butt listened lol! But juggling these 3 major life changes in one season and still trying to keep up with my normal business just isn’t in the cards for me right now.
Sometimes it honestly would be nice to get a call or a text first to see how I’m doing without having to be the first one to spark the at times one-sided conversations to let some of my thoughts and frustrations out. So I hope my friends and loved ones continue to check on me and invite me out, but understand when I say no or I’m too busy as I’m sure one of those times I will be able to/want to say yes. I’m going to work on doing things when they work in my schedule and when they make me happy. I’m only one person and I’m here to change the world and make a difference that I’m sure of, but I need to be well to do so. This piece is in no way complaining as I am soooooo thankful for all of things GOD has blessed me to have on my plate I promise I am. Writing this was very nice to get some of these feelings of overwhelment off my chest, but this just wasn’t for me. This is for all of the others like me who have been self-taught or by society that it’s lazy to get rest or things won’t get done if you don’t do them. This is for those who are strong for everyone else and leave nothing for themselves to know it’s ok to love on you, it’s darn near essential like breathing and water to drink. I say this all to say practice self-care your mind and body will thank you now and in years to come. Read that book, solo travel, reconnect with you, pamper yourself the way you do others, turn that phone/tablet/cpu/social media off sometimes and clear your mental Rolodex for a day or two, learn to say NO and mean it more often, and lastly every single week take two to three hours to do something that genuinely makes you smile and don’t you dare feel guilty about it. I’m hoping I can have more time to write and vlog things that make me happy, so if you’ve missed me I’ll be back soon enough and better than ever.
Peace, blessings, love and light
Ya girl Peeps